The Human Centipede 2: The Full Sequence (2011)

Countdown to Halloween: October 15, 2011
Source: On Demand

I am at an utter loss for words after watching this. I was expecting something akin to the first film, and so I hadn’t prepared myself properly for what I was about to see.

This isn’t about the “centipede” so much as it is about its creator. Not the doctor this time, either. No, it’s a fat, greasy, HOLYCRAPCREEPY little guy named Martin. He’s obsessed with the first movie, and wants a centipede for himself.  He’s also silent through the entire film except for wheezing, moaning, and crying. He never speaks a word. However, first part of the film is him gathering the people to make the centipede, and it’s relatively boring. It’s sprinkled with random, yet ungodly creepy things from Martin, but as a movie, it’s boring. But then he gathers all 12 people and it takes a very violent, horrible turn.

There are things in this film that I… I don’t even know what to say. The last half of this movie is just awash with unspeakable horrors. The first movie didn’t show the surgery, and everything was nicely wrapped up with no blood or feces or anything. This movie… well… just isn’t that way. This is the movie everyone expected to see the first time. In that way, Tom Six really did a number with his viewers. You expected this horrible, disgusting, grotesque film, and you got something that was actually — dare I say — tasteful. So after that, you think the second movie will follow suit. NUH-UH. Tom Six did it exactly right this way.

Though at this point, I really do need to question Tom Six’s sanity, I think. Honestly, I don’t believe I have ever been so disgusted by anything in my life. The movie is entirely black and white… the only color used is brown and if you know anything about the premise, you can guess what the brown is. But anyway, with everything in black and white, the gore should be toned down. But the level of atrocity on the screen is so profound that the black and white is probably the only way anybody could sit through the whole movie. And I had a problem even there. I am pretty proud of the fact that I can’t be grossed out, but this may have put a significant chink in my Armor-of-Tolerance. Without spoilers, I can only give a brief list of what really got to me.

• Martin licking his lips.
• Martin’s real centipede.
• Martin’s mother.
• The teeth.
• The knee “surgery”.
• The last part with the pregnant woman.
• The sandpaper.
• The barbed wire.
• Martin’s wardrobe choice for the centipede assembly.

The ending leaves you scratching your head a bit though. Did it happen? Or, didn’t it?

I need to point out that my rating of the film is NOT because I get my jollies off on this stuff. My rating is because this is the most horrific horror movie I’ve ever seen, and that makes it, of course, a good horror movie. And if that doesn’t really make sense to you, then you don’t understand horror! Despite the rating, it isn’t going into the favorites. It’s just… not that kind of “Loved It”.

See it on Netflix

Fast Five (2011)

Date Watched: May 2, 2011
Source: Theatre

You can say whatever you want about the F&F franchise, but I love it. Granted, I haven’t seen 2 or 4, but I’m told that 2 is unwatchable and also unrelated to the rest of them. I still need to see 4, and I feel like I still need to try and watch 2.

But anyway, the first one is one of my favorite movies. It’s one of my big-time quotables, apparently. Especially drunk, so I’m told. But I’ve loved that movie since the first time I saw it. Then I saw 3… against my better judgment, since I HATE watching movies out of sequence. And I liked it quite a bit. I didn’t really want to see 5, since I hadn’t seen 4… and it seems as though I missed a few important details. So I really do need to see 4.

I loved 5. Something about F&F makes their heinous errors completely acceptable. Like in the first one. O’Connor overdoes it with the NOS, and that causes… his floor panel to fall out? And little things… like when Jesse’s looking under the hood of the Supra that Brian has towed in. He says, “2JZ, no shit!” when every Supra had that engine. Little things like that.

And there were huge errors like that in 5. I really wish I could point them out… but I don’t do spoilers, so I’ll just say this: The climax… the actual heist… is utterly ridiculous. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love it though.

Anywho, I guess my general point here is that I loved the movie. It’s hard to post about recent movies without spoilers and still get my point across… but… there it is.

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Jackass 3D (2010)

Date Watched: October 22, 2010
Source: Theatre

ROFLMFAO

That is all.

Well, sort of. A list.

• Jet engine exhaust
• Does music soothe the wild beast?
• The sweat cocktail
• The super glue
• Bad dog
• Invisible man
• Poo cocktail supreme
• Pin the tail on the donkey

 

There are so many more… but aside from that… the cinematography was amazing!  Truly excellent film making, even if the content was questionable.  Which, to me and my friends, it’s absolutely hysterical.  I wish I’d peed before the movie because I had to fight not to wet myself several times.  I think I might need to go see all the others that came before this.

 

Queue it on Netflix

The Hills Have Eyes (1977)

Date Watched: July 31, 2010
Source: Netflix

I’ve seen Rob Zombie’s remake of this, and it was pretty disturbing. But of course, that was before I realized the only movies Rob Zombie knows how to make are white trash extravaganzas with excessive, gratuitous white trash sex scenes. Once I realized that, I was pretty excited to see this, to see what he screwed up.

And it was pretty darned good. Rob Zombie turned a bunch of cannibalistic hill-dwellers into, you guessed it, white trash. They’re pretty trashy, but they don’t eat their young, or the young of others. This was so much better than the remake. Michael Berryman was a perfect fit here. The victimized family was constructed mainly of bad actors, but the cheesy delivery of certain lines is a big reason why this one was so much better.

And either way, I’m never taking a trip to the desert in my lifetime.

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Saw VI (2009)

Date Watched: July 17, 2010
Source: Netflix

Have I mentioned before that I love the Saw franchise? Maybe once or twice, I think.

So we’re at the end now. It’s all tied up in a neat, bloody little package. This one was just awesome. There’s not much to write without giving away spoilers, but what I will say is that I loved how everything came together. I adore films with these intricate weavings of lives, and when you add blatantly gruesome gore to it, it makes it all that much more fun. I really don't want to give anything away, because spoilers in the Saw series just ruins the delightful balance of the characters. Watching Saw is like playing Jenga with fingers instead of little wooden blocks. Wootsauce.

Queue it on Netflix

Saw V (2008)

Date Watched: July 16, 2010
Source: Netflix

My movie-buddy MacBean said that Saw III and Saw V were her favorites, so I was expecting to like this one way better than I did, since we tend to agree on most films. I can’t quite place my finger on why I didn’t like it that much, but to me, it was a tad boring. Made me wonder about watching VI. I think my real issue was that it wasn’t about John Kramer so much as it was about Hoffman trying to cover his butt. And I don’t like Hoffman. Something about his face just makes me angry lol.

Queue it on Netflix

Saw IV (2007)

Date Watched: July 8, 2010
Source: Netflix

I just love the Saw franchise.

I liked this a lot because there wasn’t a whole lot of gore, but what gore there was… it was extra delightfully disgusting. Loved the autopsy! And I really liked finding out how John started in all this stuff. Can’t really blame the guy.

The only thing is, I’m not entirely buying the third accomplice thing. I guess I have to, but that part of it seems a little more convoluted to me than Amanda did. But maybe that’s because the other time I’ve seen Amanda, she was The Stand‘s Julie Lawry, who was also a total nutjob.

Queue it on Netflix

Saw III (2006)

Date Watched: June 27, 2010
Source: Netflix

I rather enjoyed this one. I think I actually liked it better than the first two. I think the twist was a lot twistier… if that makes any sense. The involvement of the people playing the game was a lot more intricate. I’m sort of confused as to how there’s going to be a 4 and 5, but 4 is at home right now so I guess I’ll find out tonight. I don’t want to say anymore, because it was pretty intricate and I don’t want any of it to slip out.

Oh, and the rotting pig corpses? FREAKING AWESOME.

Queue it on Netflix

Saw II

Date Watched: June 24, 2010
Source: Netflix

Good, but not as good as the first. The first was horrible mostly because it was all in one claustrophobic room and with less people. This one was more spread out and more people and it wasn’t as psychological as the first one. If you want the truth, I think the one tough guy whose name I can’t remember was a little too irritating. He was very distracting. Not as much gore either, but there was still plenty. The pit in the floor with the hypodermics = definitely cringeworthy.

It never occurred to me that Amanda’s character is played by Shawnee Smith, who played psycho Julie Lawry in Stephen King’s The Stand, which was one of my favorite movies. I’ve already mentioned my enjoyment of spotting “Stephen King people” in other films… just a useless bit of info.

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Deadgirl (2008)

Date Watched: June 18, 2010
Source: Netflix Instant Play

Briefly disturbing, overly boring, entirely predictable. Two teenage outcasts go into an abandoned mental hospital to explore. They find a girl in a room that’s been rusted shut for ages. She’s naked, dirty, and tied in four-points to a gurney. Let’s see. Two teenage boys. One has a conscience. The other one doesn’t, and he’s horny as heck. What do you think happens? Like I said, predictable. It’s supposed to be their secret. So, naturally, what do you think happens? Predictable. Then they discover that if she bites someone, they turn into someone like her. Ooh. GROUNDBREAKING.

Predictable, stupid, disturbing for about 5 seconds, 20 tops.

Again, don’t bother.

Queue it on Netflix