The Human Centipede: The First Sequence (2009)

Date Watched: May 31, 2010

Source:  On Demand

I’m breaking from the order to write this entry.

The reason for this should be pretty obvious to anybody who’s heard anything about this movie. If you’ve got the stomach to watch it, you’re probably pretty darned brave.

I was fighting with watching this movie. My morbid curiosity was battling it out with my gag reflex, and morbid curiosity won. Sure, I’m going to have to give my roommate $8 to cover the On Demand fee, but you want to know something? It was WORTH IT.

I wanted to write this while it was still fresh in my mind, but I didn’t want to post huge spoilers. However, if you know the premise of the movie, that’s sort of the worst part. If you watch it, you’ve already gotten past that point… so any spoilers I would give would be details that I wouldn’t normally go into on any film I talk about.  What I am going to do though, is give a very short, quick list that shouldn’t really give anything away.

Really disturbing stuff:

• The surgery.

• The initial unveiling of the finished centipede.
• Where the centipede was kept.
• The scene outside with the newspaper… but again, it’s basic premise stuff you know going in, so the blow is softened.
• Going up the stairs.  By far, the worst part.

It really wasn’t nearly as bad as I anticipated.  I know there is supposed to be a continuation, but I don’t see how there can be at this point.  I will definitely watch it though.  I am a little surprised and slightly ill to admit… I liked it.  I liked the movie.  There, I said it.

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The Sixth Sense (1999)

Date Watched: May 13, 2010

Source: TV

This movie had four stars according to my Comcast guide. The “I see dead people!” has probably been uttered at least once by pretty much everyone on the planet who can speak, and probably some who can’t. Heck, it’s even got Bruce Willis, and what can he do wrong? But never underestimate the power that Haley Joel Osment has to destroy a movie. If a movie contains that kid, it will be bad. The only exception to this has been Pay It Forward and that’s because of Kevin Spacey’s genius (though, even he couldn’t save Shrink).

So, Haley Joel Osment aside… the movie was pretty boring up until THE TWIST. But by the time THE TWIST happened, the movie was over. It was very Seven Pounds, meaning you really had no balls to the film until the last few minutes. Sure, they tried to sprinkle some creepy dead people here and there, which works for all of three seconds, until you realize that Haley Joel Osment is really the creepiest thing in the scene. Either way, I was pretty pissed I’d wasted that two hours of my life when it was all said and done.

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Charly (1968)

Date Watched: May 13, 2010

Source: Netflix

To be fair, I had seen this movie years ago, but it’s been so long that it was pretty much like seeing it for the first time. It’s based on the short story Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes. It’s such an interesting premise that I’m sure back in 1958 when it was written, they thought the technology would be inevitable by now, and it’s not.

The whole thing is rather heartwrenching. Cliff Robertson (who I loved in Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken as Dr. Carver) plays Charly’s mental illness in such a way that you love Charly from the start. You want to throttle his co-workers for playing tricks on him. You want to smack the doctors for making him upset. You want to repaint his crappy room and pick him some nice flowers.

And then, you hate Charly. He’s a pompous ass.

And then you love Charly again. By the that time, you’re very, very sad. And that’s all I’m saying.

Good movie. I don’t want to give too much away.

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Shrink (2009)

Date Watched: May 11, 2010

Source: Netflix Instant Play

Don’t. Just, don’t. Kevin Spacey was the only good thing about this whole movie. The whole thing is just plain stupid, and… don’t.

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Poltergeist III

Date Watched: May 10, 2010

Source: Netflix

I may have skipped the third Poltergeist had it not been on the same disc as the second. I actually kind of liked this one more, though. Lara Flynn Boyle has freaking great hair in this movie, and I love the building they live in. But the apartment itself seems sort of bland, I think. Anyway, I think it’s crap that Carol Ann’s parents just dumped her with an aunt who can’t stand her, to go to school with a psychologist that convinces everyone she’s brainwashing them into believing her lies.

The thing with all the mirrors was pretty interesting, along with the ice in the swimming pool and the puddle and blizzard in the parking lot. This one was just a lot more fun to watch than Poltergeist II. I was disappointed that Satan looked so different this time. Personally, I think he was creepier in II. And he was defeated too easily. And… poor Tangina!

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Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986)

Date Watched: May 10, 2010

Source: Netflix

Meh. The phone trick was neat, and Satan was awfully creeptastic, but it didn’t hold the same spook that the first film did. I still don’t understand why nobody believes them. The mother being psychic was stupid, and likewise, I really enjoyed when the father was posessed and severely abused his wife. She was really irritating this time around.

I… wouldn’t waste my time. I don’t remember much else because it’s that unmemorable.

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The Blind Side (2009)

Date Watched: May 9, 2010

Source: redbox

FINALLY. A movie I really have no complaints about at all.

I just want to be Leigh Anne. I wish I had half the balls she does. Sandra Bullock was a-MAZ-ing. I can’t say enough about that.

The real story of Michael Oher is so touching… and Quinton Aaron does a fantastic job. I just wanted to hug Michael in the worst way. Even when he was angry and hurt and sort of lashing out, I wanted to take his hand and tell him it’ll be okay. Lawsie mercy. The Tuohy family are just saints. If they were accurately portrayed in the film, the way they accepted and embraced this polar opposite in their home… sigh. Just, sigh. More people on this planet need to be like them.

Two more of my “Stephen King” folk in this film; the wonderful Kathy Bates (Dolores Claiborne, Misery) and Ray McKinnon (The Stand, Needful Things). They were both fan-freaking-tastic.

I know I’m being vague, but there’s too much good. You just need to see it, that’s all. You just need to see it.

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The Men Who Stare at Goats (2009)

Date Watched: May 8, 2010

Source: redbox

Another Eh. I will say that this movie did have some really funny parts. George Clooney driving through the desert and driving the car up onto the ONLY rock for miles, and the reporter’s head smacking against the windshield? I had to rewind it and watch it again; I thought I was going to wet myself.

I think the whole thing was way too unrealistic. I’m one of those people that, with enough convincing, could most likely buy into a psychic unit in the military. But the hippie thing? Give me a break. They would’ve made them cut their hair, at the very least. It was supposed to be a secret thing… so they’re going to let their soldiers walk around with long, unkempt hair?

Also, I thought it was going to be a little more like Scanners. I hadn’t seen Scanners at this point, but I knew the story behind it. But alas, no. They were going to use their psychic powers to do good things to make people not want to fight anymore. Well that’s wonderful. Newsflash, people. The military needs fighting to stay in business. If nobody wants to fight, then the military is S.O.L. and gazillions of people are out of work. And I’m not just talking about soldiers and whatnot. I’m talking about companies that provide things to the miltiary, like clothing, weapons, supplies, automobiles, and the list goes on forever.

And in the end, the goat was the only one who died. The goat! And what kind of garbage was that? The poor goat was just standing there, chewing away, happy as can be, and George Clooney just kills him dead. DEAD. I just felt bad for the goat! What a load of hooey.

This could’ve been way better. I should’ve saved that dollar too.

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The Haunting in Connecticut (2002)

Date Watched: May 8, 2010

Source: redbox

Ehhhh. That’s about what I have to say for this movie. I think it could’ve been really good, but really I just sort of felt bad for the cancer kid. What the heck? First the kid gets cancer. Then they move to a house that used to be a mortuary. Then he picks the room next to the room where they kept the cadavers. Then he starts seeing things and dropping stuff and he has to choose between people thinking he’s insane or losing his cancer treatment? THEN he has to be the one to save everyone because he’s already dying and who cares if he gets hurt? What in the heck. Srsly.

The walls being full of bodies and them falling out and burning… that was cool. But otherwise, all I could think about was how I felt bad for the cancer kid. I wish I’d saved my dollar. I think I would’ve felt better watching Wit.

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Sunshine Cleaning (2009)

Date Watched: Unknown

Source: On Demand

Wow. This movie was a whole lot of pointless. Really. The end was entirely anticlimactic. The redhead (Amy Adams) was a horrible mother, and a horrible daughter, and a horrible sister. She roped her sister into this horrible biohazardous cleaning business, dumps her son off with a guy she barely knows after badgering her father, sticks her sister with a job on her own, goes to a freaking BABY SHOWER, and has the nerve to blame her sister for burning the house down. Okay sure, maybe she shouldn’t have lit candles in someone else’s house and then left them unattended to go chase a kitten. But she didn’t even want that job, and if her stupid sister had been there, it never would have happened. If the job was so important because it was for an insurance company, she should’ve given up on the idiotic baby shower. Ugh.

And the ending? The poor father ends up bailing out his useless daughter. Which you would think is good because now he doesn’t have to try to sell shrimp out of his bathtub, and she doesn’t have to clean houses for someone else’s business anymore, but she’s obviously proven herself to be totally irresponsible, so the father is really probably just digging himself deeper. UGH UGH UGH.

And the sister? The one who burned down the house? She did the only reputable thing in the whole movie. She returned that picture of the dead woman to the woman’s daughter. She did something good. And then she went on a road trip. She freaking deserved it. Go on, girl.

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