Zombies of Mass Destruction (2009)

Countdown to Halloween: October 24, 2011
Source: Netflix Instant Play

This film started out as a hilarious, campy zombie movie. It fell kind of silent around midway though, and it stayed that way. However, I will make a list of the things that were great about it:

• The gay guys, especially the redhead.  So funny.
• The scene where the dark haired gay guy comes out to his mom.  Priceless.
• Frieda and her boyfriend in the car when the zombies attack.  “THAT’S MY BLOOD!  AAAAAHHHH!”
• Cleansing your immortal souls.
• Frieda’s dad out looking for her amongst the zombies.  That guy is awesome.
• The redneck dad’s “American Test” for Frieda.

It’s a shame this movie didn’t keep up the momentum; it could have been excellent.

See it on Netflix

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

Date Watched: September 10, 2011
Source: Netflix Instant Play

I usually try to read the first few reviews on Netflix to see what other people thought. The third review down says that this is John Carpenter’s greatest film. Um, no. Halloween… hello? Thank you.

Anyway, not only was this NOT John Carpenter’s best film, but I was a little upset to find out it was John Carpenter after watching how crappy it was. Yeah, I get that it was supposed to be a spoof, and there were some parts that were mildly interesting. Lo-Pan, for instance, was creepy at first. And the 3 Storms had humorously large hats.

But in general, I really don’t like Kurt Russell. I don’t think he’s a good actor, either seriously or cheesy (in this case, cheesy). I also don’t like Kim Cattrall, and she’s even worse cheesy than she is serious (I hate Sex in the City also, for reference).

This is just a movie I don’t really need to see again.

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My Cousin Vinny (1992)

Date Watched: August 6, 2011
Source: Netflix Instant Play

Yes. I am well aware that I am very very late to this party.

I freakin’ loved this. No surprise, really. How can you go wrong with Joe Pesci? No matter what he does, his attitude shines. Weird to say that since his attitude is usually crappy, but it makes you laugh. I love a good dose of schadenfreude.

Marisa Tomei is fantastic. I’m actually not a big fan of her, generally speaking, but she was hysterical in this.

And, RIP Fred Gwynne. Excellent, excellent actor.

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Paul (2010)

Date Watched: April 4, 2011
Source: Theatre

This movie had so many epically awesome things in it. First of all, I and my circle of friends are giant geeks. This was right up our alley. First of all, you have Seth Rogen, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, Kristin Wiig, Jane Lynch, and Jason Bateman. You’ve got religious fanatics and rednecks. You’ve got aliens, and Star Wars, and various dozens of geek references, including the epitome of geekdom… the ComicCon. Hell, you’ve even got British accents! Couldn’t ask for more!

The only problem with this movie is the religious fanatics (not the funny kind in the movie) who bitch to all holy hell about the Christian cracks, evolution stuff, and flat-out “hard evidence” that God doesn’t exist. The reviews were everywhere, and really, these people shouldn’t be allowed to converse with society, nevermind go to the movies.

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Mermaids (1990)

Date Watched: November 27, 2010
Source: Netflix Instant Play

While Cher is great as Mrs. Flax, my God, she’s infuriating! Grow a spine, already, and be a mother to those girls. It’s nuts, how one second, she’s like Susie Homemaker and the next, she’s the new town slut. Every time she gets dumped, she picks up her daughters and moves somewhere else. So now Charlotte (Winona Ryder) and Kate (an adorable Christina Ricci) are completely lost. More so with Charlotte, as she’s a teenager determined to be a devout Catholic when her roots are Jewish.

Then they throw Bob Hoskins into the mix to fall in love with Mrs. Flax, but she doesn’t fall in love with anyone, and that drives him mad and she treats him like crap the same way she treats her daughters like crap most of the time. Of course, she learns her lesson by the end, and Charlotte learns a lot too… but getting there is so frustrating. At least, for the viewer.

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Army of Darkness (1993)

Date Watched: November 1, 2010
Source: DVD

I still don’t like Bruce Campbell. He’s the typical good-looking chiseled muscle-y guy. I hate all of that. I happen to think he’s ugly. He’s also a horrible actor. But that’s exactly what makes this movie great.

More of the same… cheese, cheese, lame, cheese, bad writing, lame, cheese, groooooan. But still pretty darned funny. Come on… tiny Bruce Campbells? “Give me some sugar baby!”? “WHO WANTS SOME?!”? Awesome.

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Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Date Watched: October 31, 2010
Source: DVD

Comedic horror is never good. This movie defines what comedic horror should be. Everything about this movie is great. I love how Shaun goes about his every day life and is so jaded, he takes no notice to the world collapsing into zombiehood all around him. He goes by his regular corner store and is oblivious to bloody hand prints on the refrigerator case door. People lurching by looking like, well… looking like death warmed over, blood oozing from their mouths. Shaun has no idea.

And his cricket bat is awesome.

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#2: Halloween III – Season of the Witch (1982)

People love to hate this movie. The problem, and the only problem, is that it’s called Halloween 3 instead of just Season of the Witch. John Carpenter was contracted for 3 Halloweens, true, but I think he should thank his lucky stars for this one. This film, aside from everything I’m about to talk about, has an excellent score. Truly amazing. Stephen King himself, the Master of Horror, borrowed the main song “Chariots of Pumpkins” for Maximum Overdrive.

Anyway, I’m going to try to keep this short. Of all the Halloweens, this is the only one with a fully developed plot, and it’s all based around samhain, the Celtic Halloween type ritual of witchcraft and sacrifices. In Halloween 2, they found the word “samhain” written on the chalkboard. But it made no sense. They just slapped it on there as some kind of weird explanation as to why Mikey was slaying everyone connected to his sister and anyone that got in his way. But Season of the Witch gave it some body and depth. Conal Cochran explained it to Dr. Challis as making “the hills run red with the blood of animals and children.” The entire idea behind the masks and what they do was to bring to life that exact idea: making the hills run red with the blood of children. Plus, he says it’s the best practical joke of all, and isn’t that what Halloween is about? Practical jokes and scaring people for fun? And the fact that it’s not a slasher film gives it that much credibility, in my book.

Aside from all that, it’s chock full of 80s Halloween cheese. “Where do you want to sleep Dr. Challis?” “That’s a dumb question, Miss Grimbridge.” So DELIGHTFULLY cheesy. Really, I think anyone who can’t get past the Halloween 3 and no Mikey aspect seriously is not paying enough attention.

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ThanksKilling (2009)

Date Watched: October 11, 2010
Source: Netflix Instant Play

ROFLMAO.

This was the ultimate in delightfully TERRIBLE movies. Utterly horrible. A turkey goes nuts and kills humans to avenge the treatment of the American Indians. Wow, really? The first scene is a female pilgrim, in typical pilgrim attire, except nothing covering her chest. Boobs amock. Then she gets killed by the turkey. His only words? “nice tits, bitch.” And then she’s dead.

The question I have is, was the movie meant to be this terrible? Did they mean for it to be this cheesetastic? I hope so. Because if not…

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The People Under The Stairs (1991)

Date Watched: October 2, 2010
Source: Netflix Instant Play

On Saturday evening, I got a text from Shwam: “Don’t watch The People Under The Stairs… I turned it off it was so horrible.”

Unfortunately, I’d already watched it, and wasn’t smart enough to turn it off.

It was horrible. It has a skull on the cover with a creepy looking house. It looks like a horror movie. It’s billed as a horror movie. It is not a horror movie.

There are two adults, siblings, who keep trying to adopt the perfect child, and when the child does something they don’t like, they deform the child and stick him under the stairs to live. Wow. And then the army of deformed children under the stairs appear as though they’re killers but then they end up helping a poor ghetto kid and the current “perfect” child escape. In the end, everybody is friends and the two crazy adults are dead.

Horrible.

Queue it on Netflix